"He's a good guy really": Why are we so afraid to call out our friends' behaviour?

Image by Shannon Downey @badasscrossstitch

Last week I saw a Tweet which read “pressuring a girl until she says yes isn’t normal either btw” - a sentiment I think would resonate with most women. What followed was a thread of people expressing their experiences in response to this; but it wasn’t just victims, those guilty of perpetrating this behaviour were also weighing in. I was amazed at how open this conversation was; individuals engaging with quite a loaded tweet productively to look inward rather than defend or simply dismiss it as irrelevant to them. Once one person had disclosed his ignorance growing up, I saw others follow suit in reflecting on previous regretted actions. This response continued once I re-shared the tweet on my story, with men DMing me in praise of the thread. Here is one of the messages*: 

“I was guilty of this when I was younger and single - feel ashamed about it now. But I definitely asked a girl out more than once and asked why she was saying no. She was saying no because that’s her choice. I was reading this thread and it really made me reflect on what I’d been like when I was younger.” 

This frankness without looking for sympathy or justification really contrasted to previous experiences I’ve had when addressing similar problems. It got me thinking about the reasons behind this resistance, so I’ve decided to share my two cents. 

NB -  I’ll be referring to men exclusively as those are my experiences. 

I think the first thing to comment on is today's climate. We are becoming far more aware, thankfully, of monsters like Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby and Jeffrey Epstein. In 2018, #MeToo was re-shared on Twitter by 500 thousand people in just 24 hours. The movement raised £15m in its first month to fund legal assistance for people who suffer harassment, abuse or assault at work. (BBC) These conversations are happening and slowly visibility and accountability is increasing. But it seems that the more aware we’re becoming, the more defensive some feel when personally confronted - that if you are called out for any sort of sexually problematic behaviour, you are being lumped in with those monsters we hear of.

I think the main issue is that one has an idea of who they are as a person and they’d rather save face than admit or acknowledge any wrong doing. This has been the main defence I’ve witnessed when highlighting topics in the past. So what if he grabbed your arse, he’s a really nice guy and it was a joke? So what if he kept asking for nudes, it’s just playful? So what if you said no the first time, persistence is key and you're just playing hard to get right? So what if he was discussing a girl’s sexual history, it was banter and he was just chatting with the lads?

But raising objection is usually met by awkward glances. You've ruined the mood and take life too seriously, it's your problem, not theirs. Friends have jumped to the defence of behaviour that didn’t need to be vilified, it just needed to be addressed and learned from. But it seems we're stuck on deniability and focus on the tunnel vision of intention rather than educating ourselves on the outcome and effect of our actions.

Because we’re all aware that everyday sexism, misogyny, harassment and sexual violence exists, so who do we think is doing these ‘everyday’ things? Not us and not our friends - but everyone has friends… So again, who is doing these things? We’ve grown up in a patriarchal society where women are objectified and men are rated on their sexual ability. It’s a narrative we’ve been continuously drip-fed from all angles. To think you're incapable of problematic behaviour when you’re a product of this society is to be wilfully ignorant. Rather, why not help dismantle these stereotypes and be better than those before us.

The irony is, men will defend, make excuses for one another and vouch that they’re the good ones - yet they’re overly protective of their sisters, and when they have a daughter she’s ‘never having a boyfriend because I know what guys are like’. So have these conversations, hold each other to a higher standard and actually put more faith in your own sex rather than accepting the lowest common denominator. 

But this post isn't just to help women and their experiences, there's a tremendous amount of pressure on men to uphold a hyper-sexual persona that can be extremely damaging to them. This is another message I received*:

“When you’re growing up it’s made a big deal to get with people etc especially as a boy and being turned down is seen as such a negative thing - if you’re not really sexual then it’s like you’re not a real man etc”

The term peer pressure can seem quite flimsy but it’s true - are you really one of the guys if you’re not constantly talking about your conquests? You might not realise the effect of the stereotype you’re perpetuating for yourself and those around you - from creating sexual anxiety to insecurity that holds resentment towards any sort of rejection. This toxic masculinity is so detrimental, it’s brought about terms like 'friend zone' because anything but a sexual relationship with a woman is to be mocked and overcompensated as her issue. I remember a family friend showing concern for his son who he thought might not have lost his virginity yet; I couldn’t help but wonder if he would’ve been so encouraging of his daughter’s first sexual experience?

My point is this: you can be a great person and still be capable of making a mistake. But it becomes dangerous when you’re set on proving something or someone wrong rather than learning, or rather unlearning. There’s a kindness in raising awareness and giving someone the opportunity to develop. Listen to the women in your life who want you to understand how they feel, their words are based on experience. And to those that overlook or make excuses for their friends, you’re not doing them any favours, you’re actually doing a disservice by taking away the chance for a beneficial conversation.

An action or comment** does not equal the sum total of who you are, taking responsibility shows nothing more than self-awareness. So if called out, please take a step back and think. The twitter thread and conversations that followed were so refreshing because for once it was men reflecting on the role they play in something that is too often seen as ‘a womens’ issue’. 

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*anon but with permission to quote
**for clarity I’m not talking about sexual crimes here, I’m talking about the generally accepted, nuanced behaviour and attitudes we might be unaware we’re committing or have not been educated about.