Bi the way...

I’ve always felt like Pride wasn’t something for me, like I wasn’t part of the LGBTQ+ community despite being the third letter mentioned. Being bi but in a heterosexual relationship can be a conflicting combination. I benefit from privileges that come with living in a heteronormative society - but with that comes a feeling of invisibility, like i’m in neither camp, like I’m pretending.

Being in a relationship with a man means people assume you’re straight. That assumption means you avoid so much of the harassment, stereotyping and oppression endured by other LGBTQ+ people. But that assumption can also cause a sense of erasure and guilt - “you just haven’t made your mind up”, “you’re greedy”, “you’re confused”.

Growing up it felt like there was no point vocalising my how I felt, especially if I was in a het relationship - did it really matter? But suppressing such an important side of you when you’re still in the process of understanding that side is so harmful. For me, it made me resentful of relationships I was in, as if it was their fault and they were holding me back. I engaged in some pretty toxic behaviour because I was misdirecting my frustration. I’d repressed feelings for so long, they’d bubble up involuntarily and make me ashamed and angry.

Misty Gedlinske summarised this much more eloquently than me in her Ted talk:

"We compartmentalize a portion of our identity so we can better conform to what some might consider normal, or acceptable. We lie by omission and hide in plain sight. We allow our silence to make ourselves complicit in our own disappearance"

Once I got a bit older and felt more comfortable telling partners and friends about my orientation it was taken pretty lightly. Perhaps through open-mindedness, but maybe because it wasn’t serious to them - “Who cares?” “What does being ‘bi’ mean anyway?” “Are you just trying to make yourself more appealing to guys?” “That’s hot, threesome?” Processing who you are through a dismissive male gaze can really damage your emotional response to experiences.

At uni, I buried my emotions so deeply that I completely dismissed heartbreak. I couldn’t process feeling sad and betrayed by someone because they were a girl; we were only messing around right? It’s not that deep. But it was that deep, I just wasn’t allowing myself to confront that depth because I felt so alone in it. I only started to process those feelings and call them what they were after 2 years had passed and I still couldn’t talk about her without crying.

I had a few encounters on Tinder where there was a lot of biphobia towards me. Women accused me of using them as “an experiment” and felt I might be wasting their time. One woman even told me to “pick a side”. I know there’s a bigger conversation to unwrap there and it’s not one for me to lead, but those interactions were incredibly invalidating.

In terms of where I’m at now, I’m proud of who I am and happy to disclose information when I want to. I'm in a Pride group at work and have incredible friends. My boyfriend is sympathetic and supportive about all experiences and previous partners - gender non-specific.

You don’t need to put a label on yourself if you don’t want to. Take your time to figure out who you are, but just know whatever conclusion you come to, it’s valid.

I’ll end this post with a message I received this Pride from my brilliant friend Lydia; it’s one of the best messages I’ve ever received: